Milarepa Journal |
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The
way to accomplish a great endeavor
An Interview with Kiran Bedi • Voices from the Inside • Dear Abhi • News _________________________________________________ Voices from the InsideIn this issue we are offering a platform for the many contributions of poetry, artwork, personal histories, and insights on life and on the path of Dharma, which we receive regularly from prisoners. Often beautiful and moving, and speaking directly of human life, whether inside or outside prison walls, these offerings are easy and natural to share. ______________________
______________________ Always
Changing Mind that
is the way of truth — P.D. ______________________
— J.S. ______________________
— R.Q. ______________________
— E.M. ______________________
Green
tea permeates the room — Z.R. ______________________ I guess my biggest realization lately was that I'm doing good in prison even though I'm in an underground unit and locked down single-celled 23 hours a day, in a high max cell at that. I used to think it sucked. But I've heard so much on the B.B.C. radio and read about other people's lives who are not in prison and doing so very much worse than I am – I've got more than thousands of people have, and I'm locked up. Yeah, I got a new perspective on my incarceration I never seen before. I can't bitch about nothing. I'm rich in comparison to a lot of people at least property- and food-wise. I've been thinking – I think I'm going to try and write a few AIDS foundation centers or places that have support groups for people with Aids or Cancer or Leukemia or something like this. I of course don't know what it's like to have AIDS or cancer, etc., but I'd think it's not much different than going to prison for a life sentence. You get cut off from a lot of your friends and the world – gain a new perspective on life in general. I just think that there are probably a lot of people who could use a friend to write and talk with. I've got to learn to be more eloquent in my wording and not cuss any longer – and how to be a servant to other people's problems. I don't know if 'servant' is the right word – but fully loving and compassionate to them as well as understanding. I'm not a spiritual teacher by far, and am not trying to be, but I can be a friend and do what I can to do my part and help others the best I can from where I'm at. — R.Q. ______________________
I
am back – my life is living hell – self created.
I feel extremely vulnerable, fearful and scared and I have
let those thoughts and emotions take over my life. I have been
so depressed over the past 6 months that I've contemplated
suicide many, many times. I am trying to see "beyond" the
illusion of mind – it is very difficult. I cannot imagine
spending 20 to 25 years further in prison for what I've done.
This has been a pain-factory. I just can't accept this fate. I have difficulty understanding the karmic debt. I had hoped the karma of this had worked out, but I actually created these same circumstances again – insane, wrong thinking. It tortures me, hour after hour, day in, day out. Slow torture. I am not well. Today has been the usual day: suffering, pain, deep anxiety attacks, fear, fear, fear. I had a long series of anxiety attacks, seas of pain, grasping a lot, tension, aversion. Not being able to be here now – just constant pain. The psychic and emotional pain are very great. I barely can get through each day, literally – no life, no happiness. The loss is so great I feel absolutely lost – dead. I sit here day after day wondering, how? Why? I sabotaged my life. I did this to myself. I lost perspective. Only deep insanity, deep unconsciousness would do this. Total absolute insanity - self hatred. I have given up on life. (Later on:) Still stressing a lot, but feeling a bit more centered. The mind is a very strange thing – the Buddhists are totally correct about samsara and delusions. It is quite apparent to me that it's easy to deceive oneself and become identified with our imagination and fantasies and thoughts, and difficult to awaken from this dream. Do we really want to awaken and let go of the victim or the star of the illusions? — M.M. ______________________
Imagine
the thirst a cloud could quench. — P.D. ______________________
My cell mate went out to the yard. This would be a good time to meditate. I’ll just hop down on the floor and do this. Okay, what am I doing here? Am I sitting right? My legs are folded and let’s see, the book said to have your butt up higher than your knees so this pillow works okay for that. Is my back straight? It feels straight, but I’m straining too much. Oh yeah, they said to put a curve in your back with your belly sticking out like the Buddha. They’re right, that does make it more comfortable. Okay, I’m ready to go. Where do I put my mind? Was it the belly or the nose? What did they say, count the breath or feel the breath? Man, now I have to check the book and start all over again. The belly and feel the breath, stupid. Now, back to my posture, Ane Pema said to get the points right, let me see, butt, feet, back, neck, head, and ready. I feel the breath coming in; I feel the breath going out, in and out. This is easy man, what’s all the whining about? "I hurt when I sit, the noise bothers me, my cell mate is inconsiderate," wimps, that’s all.
In and out, in and out. I wonder how I look doing this? I wonder if I look like one of those Rinpoche cats? I think I’ll shave my head like those dudes in the pictures I’ve seen. Man, even the chicks shave their heads. What’s up with that? Maybe I could get away with cutting the collar off my shirt and then I’d have a costume so people would know I’m a Buddhist. Yeah, I’d look like the Dalai Lama. I think when I get out I’ll go over to India and hang out with him. I could tell him how it is in prison and he will tell everyone how I rose above adversity and became the voice of Buddhism in America’s prisons. I know, I’ll start a foundation, make a website. I’ll tell everyone that I meditate for world peace. I’ll put one of those funny-sounding names in front of my name so it will look like I’m really heavy, like the Buddhists in the magazines. I’ll write a book and start endorsing everybody else’s books. Back to the breath, in and out, in and out, in and out. I think I’ll write my family and let them know I’m a Buddhist now. My mom would like that I’m into some kind of religion. She might send me more money. My Granny would roll over in her grave. It was only Jesus for her. I miss my Granny, she really loved me, I wish I was back little again and spending weekends with her. I loved her feather beds and crisp, clean white sheets. On Sundays, after church, she would kill a chicken from her coop and cook it. I can remember how good it tasted. I’m sad now. Wait, back to the breath, in and out, in and out, I’m okay, in and out, don’t force the breath, just let it come and go on its own, in and out. I keep trying to finish the breath, it won’t just come and go by itself and it’s messing me up to have to help it. I can see this ain’t goin’ to work. I need another way to do this. Maybe there’s another book I can get with a different method. There I go again! Back! Back, quit trippin’ man, I can do this. In and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, yeah, I got it now. I got to get a quick peep at the clock. I know my time should be up soon. WHAT? FIVE MINUTES? You've got to be joking! Five minutes is all I been at this? Jesus H. Christ! That's it? I'm writin' Margot Neuman and tellin' her to find me another way to do this. This is just a waste of time. My time is way too valuable to be wastin' it with this drama. I didn't want to be a Buddhist anyway. I think I'll check out those Hairy Krisna dudes and see what the Beatle, George Harrison, was into. This stuff doesn't work. * * * * * Most of my spiritual escapades were really my seeking to rid myself of the something that was constantly haunting me. Something was wrong. Something was missing and I didn't know what. Heavy alcoholism, meaningless sex, total disregard for all other human beings did nothing to help me, but wreaked havoc on those around me. I
committed every crime on the books, from larceny to murder,
but the something only grew larger. The Buddha taught that
suffering comes to us all in our lives. It is inescapable.
For some it comes early, for some late and for others in the
middle. I'm not talking about the suffering of getting busted
and doing prison time – that's the suffering of paying
for a bad decision – but a suffering of deep inner torment.
For me the bomb dropped in November of 1996. Through
time and my spiritual practice I began to take responsibility
for my life. A big step for me was admitting I put myself in
prison. Simply put, I am guilty of my crimes and I'm paying
the price. Surprisingly, this made things easier as it freed
me from another one of our prisons – the blame game. — A.N. ______________________
______________________ Harmonious Character You
must be harmonious like the sun – S.T. ______________________
I
sat down to my meditation a few nights ago and began experiencing
a familiar itching sensation. I automatically began moving
my hand to this irritation but then I stopped myself to examine
just exactly what was going on here. I realized that this small
body-mind sensation was a metaphor for the life we live in
prison, and life in general. We really need to examine these itches and the cause of our aversions to them. (These itches and irritations may come in the form of bodily irritations or the irritation of the violence that some of us face each day or even small misunderstandings that we may have with other inmates.) When I notice an itch, the first thing that I try to pay attention to is not the itch, but my reaction to the itch. I usually put some sort of negative label on this itch and begin devising ways to ward it off. I have trouble remembering in my moments of aversion that these sensations are dependent on other sensations, that they are impermanent, and that it becomes a negative experience through my discriminative labeling. In forgetting this, I forget that there is no true substance, no concrete itch, but I put these labels on the illusion anyway. Therefore, I have to think, "Is it really that bad, or is it just 'me', my aversion?" I experience these situations in my daily life as well. Someone might say something to me that I consider negative and I automatically want to say, "Hey! Screw you too!" But why? My pride has been injured because I've taken what this guy said and made it real, made it something of substance. But what are words anyway? If words themselves cause the aversion then when someone says the word "fight," then I'm ready to fight. But it's not the words, and it's not the person saying the words either. It's me and my own aversion caused by my dualistic thinking. I cause the suffering by taking it upon myself to decide whether this is good or bad. Why not just accept things as they are without labeling them as "good" or "bad"? This labeling is our habit energy, it's natural to do so. But this is the cause of our suffering, is it not? Perhaps through awareness we may begin to see things as they are, without the labels, without our own little twist on things. We may be able to start seeing words as just words, the fences as just fences. No good or bad, no right or wrong, just an awareness of things as they are. After all, an itch is just an itch. — R.H. |
There
is not a lot to be said about Prison Rehabilitation. In fact,
it is virtually non-existent. But those of us who follow
the Middle Way have found that only we hold the key to "rehabilitation." And
we understand that the Buddhist rehabilitation program is
not an easy one, and it means so much more than just staying
out of the penitentiary. The prison we must liberate ourselves
from is the prison of samsara, in which we are incarcerated
in a beginningless cycle of birth and death. We have been
born into the human form and given an excellent opportunity
to free ourselves from this samsaric prison. And in the process
of freeing ourselves we should cultivate compassion for our
fellow inmates and understand that their suffering is as
real as ours. We should aspire to help them attain enlightenment
for the benefit of all sentient beings. This is Bodhichitta,
an important part of our practice. I wish you all many blessings
on your path to liberation.